Review: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

Stars: Neil Morrissey, Micheal Elphick

Budget: Unknown/not much

Directed By: Dirk Campbell

Wow what can I say? In the mid 80s there was
A series staring Micheal Elphick and Neil Morrissey
called Boon. A sort of modern day lone ranger
helping the lowly, troubled and destitute.
This is nothing like that, but it does reunite the
two main cast. As already mentioned.
Going with a tongue in cheek hammer
horroresque vibe and a very end of the 80s
beginning of the 90s TV vibe.
It could almost of been a comic strip presents
episode/film. Things like this were very common
in 90s British TV. Murder most horrid, springs to
mind. Shortly after Morrissey would go onto star with Martin Clunes in men behaving badly. Which had like this a very male centred comedy vibe. Think a British made Troma movie but a little tamer.

It also stars a plethora of other moderately recognizable British movie/TV series faces of the era. Such as Daniel Peacock who was in literally everything back then from comedy shows to films. But most notably the priest played by Anthony Daniels of C3P0 fame. Also a tiny cameo by Burt Kwouk (pink panther films).

So the film starts off very oddly with some people doing some kind of satanic ritual under a bridge of some description. They seem to have gotten the attention of a group of killer bikers at some point. As while they are close to summoning a demon the bikers attack and slaughter the cultists sending their leading face first into a small fire.
With an arrow in his neck and a roasted face the head cultist is possessed by a demon ( the one they were trying to raise). Unable to exact revenge as a neat useless corpse the demon decides to inhabit a nearby damaged motorcycle.

Cut a little time head we meet Noddy well that's his nickname, played by Morrissey. He's a motorbike enthusiast going to see the (unknown to him) possessed bike. It was damaged by a crossbow bolt in the fight but in true 90s British mechanic way he tries to extort Noddy for £1500 for the damaged bike. He haggles a bit and gets it down to £1100 (still expensive for the time and damage) he does lie to his girlfriend later saying he only paid £600 for it.
Him and his friend Buzzer transport the bike back to his garage, while Noddy's getting his girlfriend Buzzer steals the petrol cap (great friend!). Kim does not seem impressed or believe that Noddy only only paid £600 for it (especially when Buzzer laughs at it when he says that).
They replace the punctured petrol tank and still puzzled when it doesn't start, Kim berates Noddy he paid for junk. Fixing the fuel line more Buzzer cuts his hand dripping blood over the bike. Noddy tries once more to start the bike which starts with a growl, they all celebrate at this.

Later the bike comes to life and exacts revenge on Buzzer for stealing it's cap. Noddy goes to the scene of the crime where he meets Elphicks detective (a garlic smelling running joke and plot point) Cleaver. He identifies Buzzers body and gives as much info as he can.
He later has weird dreams involving both Cleaver and Buzzer. In one Buzzer is a giant turd bizarrely too (it jumps up trying to ram itself down Noddy's throat).

After a ruckus in a pub with the bikers Kim and Noddy go to get themselves a Chinese takeaway, when Kim buys garlic prawns the bike goes haywire (it's a vampire after all). It quits when her crucifix falls out from around her neck it bucks her off then drives off on its own.
It goes back to the pub where the thugs still are and makes noise outside, one of them comes out and it lets him drive it only to kill him. it also starts to sprout crossbow bolts from its tank which it later uses to kill or hurt some of the other bikers once they start chasing it.
It kills all but the leader biker when he manages to get by a street sign that is shaped like a cross and can't get past it. The police show up and don't believe that a killer bike has killed all these people they spend the night beating him up trying to get a proper confession out of him.
Elsewhere Noddy goes home wondering what happened to Kim and his bike when he goes to bed, he is given a call that Kim is in hospital so he goes to see her. He doesn't listen to how the bike went off on it's own and seems more interested where his bike is too now however.

When he returns home he notices that the bikes garage door is slightly open, he looks inside to find that his bike has returned. It unfortunately has a new addition however, a severed limb in its jaw like front light. Freaked out he forcefully gets in to see a priest (Daniels) who initially doesn't believe him but humors him to go have a look at the evidence.
He doesn't believe him until the priest tries to move the bike into the sunlight where it subsequently severs his fingers with its brake. Seemingly only slightly freaked out by this they go to the hospital where the priest also surmises that the bike will try to come back for Kim. Noddy and the priest put up cloves of garlic around her bed and give her a larger cross for protection.
The priest says he needs to perform an exorcism on the bike, he hopes it's just a simple demon inhabiting it not a major one that would need a specific exorcism to get rid of. We all know from the beginning it already is Azazel I think at least its one of the major demons of hell anyway lol.
They gear up to go do an exorcism on the bike, hopefully before it hits nighttime, the bike seems to know this and stops their bike with some weird powers, called plot points!
They end up catching the bus and just about begin the exorcism before nightfall, when they finally think they have stopped the demon the priest sprinkles holy water onto the bike. This sends it into a spinning hell where it transforms growing spikes and horns. It breaks out and starts to make its way to the hospital, Noddy assaults a police officer and steals his bike to try get there to save Kim.

Kim in the mean time has had a bed bath where they removed the garlic from around her bed, Cleaver has gotten involved due the bike theft too. They all get to hospital around the same time Kim is attacked by the bike. She repulses it with her cross sending it running, wheeling? away again, it passes the priest and cleaver in the corridors making the detective believe.
The bike finds Roach the last biker on the way out and attacks him sending him flying into a coffin, possibly dead. It then goes after Noddy who manages to evade it enough to where it gets its front tire stuck in a gap in a bridge. Noddy uses this advantage to throw the bike over into the water, thinking he's won he doesn't notice the red light turn on under the water. Another chase ensues where the priest, Cleaver and Noddy team up.

I'll leave it there as we don't spoil endings at THN but what I will say is if you ever have the chance this film is worth watching at least once for a multitude of reasons, Nostalgia for the time if your my age, the zanny mixed up genres it embodies and just how fun and British it is, even iof your not British yourself this is a nice slice of the period to give a go, at least once. THN awards I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle 3 stars out of 5, go give it watch go on!