Cockneys VS Zombies Review

Cockneys VS Zombies Review

 

Year: 2012
Stars: Michelle Ryan, Georgia King and Honor Blackman
Directed: Matthias Hoene
Running Time: 88mins

 

Good old British foray into the zombie market, Directed by Matthias Hoene who has little to no experience under his belt other than a TV series and some commercials. Still we do love a good horror romp us brit’s with some tongue in cheek and cockneys are firmly planted there let’s see how it goes with some decent actors from British TV and film I have medium to high hopes for this film, at least in b-movie terms at least. We all know there’s going to rhyming slang coming from every direction in this film so ready for some confusion!

First off can’t find no budget for this film anywhere so I’ll hoof it with production values, suffice to say I’m sure a few of these actors didn’t come cheap, then again quite a few probably did!

We start the movie on a rather dingy British day in a construction yard. A sealed tomb is found by a digger and the two men in all their facking glory decide it could be full of treasure and break in to take a look, already here is one face I recognised from soap TV, not enough to go searching for his name as I’m sure he’ll end up chump.
So there we have it a typical mistake that happens in all these movies from opening the sealed drum to freeing infected monkeys we have our infection source as the two are haplessly eaten by skeletal zombies. Effects at this point are reasonably decent with the make-up effects being tops as lips get torn off.
I think it’s clear from the box art to the films credits they’ve stuffed the most known names on the front to attract buyers, we’ll see though.
After the credits role two siblings are seen having a little tiff over a junk of a transit van bought by one Andy Macguire (Harry Treadaway, been in numerous things City of Ember and Fish Tank being most noteworthy) his brother Terry (one Rasmus Hardiker, most notably in series lead balloon and film your highness of late) berating him over the state of it and that it doesn’t start. Appears they want to use the van for a “job” with two dodgy geezers like these that could only be one of a few things especially in the east end.
Seems the two are slightly bumbling idiots and get each other into trouble a lot, while driving we meet Mickey another one I recognise from some soap. He’s apparently the hardball and they are clearly scared of him, he’s in on the 2 o’clock job as well.
Back at the dig site it’s also apparent something is a little untoward there as well. Cut to Ray (Alan Ford a veteran actor most notably serving 11 years on long running British police drama the Bill) coming out of cow bells elderly home berating some young people for loitering about outside, he’s shooed off by one of the other residents who is selling their medication to the boys much to his disapproval.
Andy and Terry pull up in their car as this is happening and stare over all smiles at the scene they then proceed to take the mickey out of Ray who happens to be their granddad he herds them into the home under threats of violence and put downs, appears their delivering dinners.
Seems Ray was a proper boy in his day a proper east end hard man and he’s not afraid to tell the boys their a waste of space, as always there’s a typical horny old woman who tries preying on the young boys to come do some DIY.
After some more japes we see Peggy (the good old Honor Blackman, need I explain what she’s been in?) seems the same construction company from the dig site want to knock down the old peoples home to make apartments and Ray isn’t too keen on the idea.
It’s also quite apparent that Peggy fancies Ray and in a proper old style Ray knows but remains oblivious to her. There’s one more old famous face that pops here that made me laugh with his cocked up rhyming slang and that was Eric (Dudley Sutton from countless film and TV appearances over his long time in the acting industry) Richard Briers is the last old famous face to pop up as the typical pervert old guy.

Seems which we caught word of earlier that Andy and Terry’s mum and dad are dead (after facing police with fire arms when they were babies) which we see in a flashback. The pair proceeds to rob a bank, along the way they pick up the rest of the gang and the plan to break in is explained, this isn’t going to go to plan is it?

One of the people they pick up is the lovely Katy their cousin (played by Michelle Ryan, who we know best as a slater from East Enders and across the pond as failed bionic woman reboot) she’s not lost it.
Finally they pick up Mickey whose supplying the guns.
With a slightly weird turn of events the robbery goes pretty smoothly, or so they think though there’s a lot more than they bargained for and there’s a welcoming committee outside as they exit. Yes the police brought by the red button press, they all run into the bank and try to decide what to do. As this is taking place the first major zombie incident occurs in the old people’s home Ray valiantly fights back and does his best to save people. There’s some clearly CGI blood here but the zombie make up is spot on.
Back at the bank Mickey makes them take hostages as the bust outside the scene has changed from police waiting to apocalyptic rubbish strewn streets filled with zombies, don’t know if this was intended as tongue in cheek but it was reasonably funny and gave me a smile.
Anyway they accept this as in many modern day films, people just know zombies they escape in the van pulling in a survivor from the street who yes is bitten and turns in the back of the van. The rest of the movie pretty much goes like any other zombie film from then on you know shooting, running and surviving with the main cast slowly being whittled down, starting with mickey first who gets cocky blowing bits off a zombie which then proceed to bit his arm. One of the hostages tells him while he’s getting his arm gnawed on that you have to go for the head which Katy does leaving jaw and mouth attached to Mickeys arm (which he crowbars off later). He doesn’t die yet but we all know what’s going to happen down the line. There’s a funny scene which involves a child zombie moments after this that had me in stitches.

After some more funny things and some less amusing stuff happening including an old man racing against zombies with a Zimmer frame and Mickey turning zombie with hostages tied up (let’s just say it doesn’t end well for Mickey), after some more deaths they meet up with some of the old survivors.

I won’t as usual tell you how the film ends you know how I work, I’ll just give you a little list of gripes I had the guns some suffered with infinite ammo syndrome. Yes this is staple in some zombie films (Resident Evil franchise to name one) but it detracts a little for me, also its Britain guns maybe a few ok, but not with unlimited ammo alright!
Aside from a few other little niggles and likes, some homages to other zombie films namely Romero stuff and off screen gore to keep the age rating and effects cost down I enjoyed this film, I have to admit and I’m not just being loyal to my homeland here Britain makes better low budget stuff than America.
Now there are reasons for this, a low budget British b-film still runs into quite a lot of money where as a film in the US can be made for literally peanuts meaning worse effects actors locations everything.
Anyway back to movie this was entertaining though had its flaws so for that I’ll give this effort a solid 3 stars out of 5 with high recommendations to watch if you can. Peace out The Horror Nation.